Tuesday, May 1, 2012
What if?
I've been thinking a lot lately about what I would do if Jackson were to have autism. (there's a 12% chance he could) I watch everything he does and everytime he does something odd or something that Braden would do the thought creeps into my head.."what if?" When we decided to have another baby we knew there would be a chance of him having autism, but at the time I really felt we were prepared to handle it. Now, I just dread the thought and it cripples me with fear and overwhelms me if I think about the possibility. To think about trying to do everything we did with Braden (but without the support system we had) makes me want to run for the hills. It scares the crap out of me. It was SO dang HARD and every inch gained was worked for, and it constantly changes and presents new challenges. It's NEVER ending! I sit and pray to my father in heaven that Jackson will be ok. But I know that what I WANT isn't usually what heavenly father has in mind for me and that scares me. Before I EVER had children, my BIGGEST fear was having a child with autism and that's exactly what I got. I've got to find a way to square myself with the possibility, I just don't know how to do that. How do I make myself say "it's ok, we can do this." when I feel completely overwhelmed at the thought of it. Jackson is very different from Braden in many ways, so that gives me some hope. I suppose there's nothing I can do but wait and see what happens (and try not to think about it too much).
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
I think every mother who has a child with Autism or any other disability has those same thoughts. Or at least I have. After Cameron was born I almost made myself sick comparing the two of them freaking out whenenver I saw him do something his brother did. Finally I had to kick my self in the butt and say stop it! If he is Autistic then it is what it is and I have already learned a ton of stuff about it and know how to help him. Does it make it any easier NO I still catch myself doing it and Cameorn is 3. I am freaking out cuz he has no desier to potty train none I feel like crap what I am doing wrong. I have finally given up on it and figure he will do it when he is ready. Although if he isn't closer by the time he starts preschool in Aug I may have to do something. I am doing the same thing with the new baby. Is she reaching her mile stones is there something wrong with her ect ect ect. I know its not easy but for now I have told myself just to enjoy the time that I have with them at this stage of life. I never thought about having a child with a disablilty but I have one. When I was younger it was I don't think I can handle my child dying. Well have been there done that now so I know not to say things like I don't think I can handle it cuz it seems like everytime I do I get that trial in my life. Now that I have done my long rant I guess I should have just said I know how you feel cuz I feel the same way a lot of the time. Just know that you can do it and look how much progress you have made with your little one.
Oh my. First Tiffany hit it on the nose! Please be at peace with this. We have struggled with Tyson and still struggle with him. I felt the same way when Aiden was born, I freaked out everytime he cried, everytime I was trying to help him reach his milestones. But I found out very quickly and early on that Aiden was just fine. He hit all milestones super early, Jason and I both knew we needed him. What Tyson has is genetic and Jason struggles with it more than I do. I have a hard time with his behavior outbursts (only because I am small and he is more than half my size and stronger than me) and when I do need to enervine and stop his bad behaviors (I'm sure you know what I'm talking about) I always feel so guilty like I'm doing something wrong, for us we have to physically remove him from the situation to get him to stop thrashing at people. It's hard to deal with. But I have come to terms that he is my son no matter what. He may never be in a spelling be or even graduate or serve on a mission due to his disability, but I see that he is trying his hardest at everything he does and that is good enough for me and I will love him no matter what. Jason on the other hand, wants him to do all these things and expects it and tries to push him beyond his abilities, that's where we struggle. I have learned to give it to the lord because he has a plan for my sweet Tyson that I don't know about, it's only my job to love him and help him be the best he can be for him. Jason is still struggling with coming to terms on this. Tyson may never catch up to the rest of the kids, he may be delayed for his whole life, it's our job to be there for them and make sure they are happy with their progress. Also too, remember that they are siblings. The baby will do everything his older brother will do at times because they copy eachother they want to be bigger like them too. If that made sense. Just be at peace and know that Heavenly Father loves you and your family very much and he has a plan for all of you. And remember too that you have gained some skills with the first that even if needed you wouldn't struggle as much because you are already prepared. I understand the nervousness, I still constantly try and get Aiden to learn new words and try to form sentences and push him (early sometimes) because I know how hard it is, but Aiden shows me everyday that I don't need to worry about him. He's a smart boy, sometimes too smart. Just give it time, and everything will be ok and everything has a purpose and everything will work out. Lots of hugs and know that you have friends here that care about you and are willing to listen.
Post a Comment