Well, it's been quite a bit more than the two months I said I would be on break from my blog (almost a year exactly!). I have a lot, A LOT going on right now. I have more going through my brain than I can put on paper (or blog). How do I feel about Autism? My feelings about Autism change by the day I guess. Today has been a roller coaster. Remember my "What If?" post? Well, it's come full circle and smacked me right in the face! Jackson has been evaluated and he has severe speech delay, and sensory processing disorder at the least. We won't know if he actually has autism (at least the doctors won't diagnose him with it) till he's at least two years old. In my heart I feel it already. I feel him pulling away, I see him slowly descending into that abyss. He's the sweetest, most beautiful boy. I fall in love with him every time I look at him. His big, beautiful blue eyes are giant windows into his innocent little mind, but every day it seems to get harder and harder to connect with him. He is definitely different than Braden, they're opposites in almost every way actually. Braden had no concept of danger, and Jackson is afraid of almost everything. He didn't walk until this past Christmas, at 19 months old. He tenses his entire body when he's scared or excited. Whenever anyone but me, Jeremy  or Braden approach him, he freezes and tenses. He clings to me like his life depends on it when we're in noisy, public situations. He's so picky about food, it takes an hour to get any calories into him, and usually I'm the one designated for that job (it gets old after three meals a day). His pal that's only five months old weighs as much as he does. How do I feel about the thought of Jackson getting diagnosed with Autism? I used to think I would be prepared for that because, "Hey! I've been through it once already!" Oh, boy! It never ceases to amaze me how stupid and naive I can be! The second time around does NOT mean easier! In fact I think it's even more overwhelming than the first time! When Braden was diagnosed, I was overwhelmed, but I had no idea what to expect. This time, I know the hard road ahead and for some reason, that's scarier than anything.

So...back to how I feel about Autism. April is "Autism Awareness" month. On facebook, every one is posting something about Autism. Myself, and a few of my "Mothers in arms" (AKA other moms with autistic children) are doing a daily post about life with Autism, or information about Autism to help educate and spread awareness because Autism isn't something we only live with in the month of April. We live with it every day of the year, every year, and we will for the REST OF OUR LIVES. Autism has become a part of me. I don't HAVE Autism, but Autism HAS me. I feel like I could fill a book (not just facebook) with my thoughts on Autism. I've actually been told I SHOULD write a book about it. But where would the book end? I haven't learned everything I can about Autism and I have the feeling that I will be learning a whole lot more as my boys grow up. The learning will never end. I'm sure I could fill several books over the coming years with my thoughts. But really, who wants to hear my thoughts? I'm only one mother out there. There are A LOT of people out there with Autism and they have mothers and fathers, aunts, uncles, grandparents etc... that could (and many have) write a book about Autism. In fact, there are so many books out there it's enough to make anyones head spin. Each book has a different story or theory. No two people with Autism are the same, and what works for one, doesn't work for another. I've been a "journaler" since the age of 13 when my mother gave me my first journal. My journals have always been my sounding board. They've been my outlet when my brain gets too full and trust me, there are A LOT of pages filled with my thoughts on everything from the ridiculous musings of a melodramatic teenager to the excitement of a newlywed, to the despair of dealing with infertility, to the overwhelming joy of finally having a baby, then finding out that baby has Autism, THEN you begin the journey of Autism. (was that a run-on sentence? ha ha!) Getting evaluations, getting answers, getting therapy, finding therapists, losing therapists, choosing treatment options, trying to educate family members. Yes, my brain has "overflowed" quite a bit and still does. There's too much to put on facebook and so, here I am. Maybe someday my "musings" will end up in a book; More likely, some will end up here on the blog, and some will end up in my journal. I just finished watching the movie "Temple Grandin". I'm in tears and again my head is overflowing with thoughts about Autism and MY boys. MY SPECIAL BOYS. There aren't enough words in the dictionary to describe my feelings about my boys. These two beautiful boys that were sent to me and Jeremy. How can I help them harness their Autism and use it to make the world a better place? They've already changed my life forever, but I want to help them get outside themselves and change the world too. I know they can.