Tough Times Ahead

Well, it's kind of hard for me to admit this, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid I don't have the strength left in me to go through this again. I'm STILL processing the fact that I have two children with AUTISM! My brain just doesn't want to deal with it.With Braden, it was easier (not EASY, just easier than it is now). Now that we have TWO crazy kids in the house, I feel like I'm slowly going insane! I'm constantly having to tell Braden to leave Jackson alone. Braden doesn't seem to understand that Jackson doesn't enjoy being sat on, dragged around, roughed up...etc. Braden loves all those things. He just wants to play with his brother (I can't fault him for that, so it makes me feel bad that I have to yell at him all the time), but Braden is kind of like one of those really big dogs who thinks he's a little dog. He doesn't realize that Jackson only weighs 24 pounds and Braden weighs 80 pounds (I know, he's a BIG 7 year old) and he can't play with Jackson the way he wants to because Jackson just isn't big enough to "defend" himself or able to communicate to Braden that he doesn't like to be touched sometimes (Other than screaming, which Braden takes to mean "I want more"). If Braden weren't in school for half the day, I would DEFINITELY be insane by now! From the minute he gets home from school, it's like our house goes from fairly peaceful, to complete chaos! Jeremy has to try and get as much sleep as he can before Braden gets home because there's no sleeping once he's in the house! Jackson is pretty content to play by himself, so I actually have to WORK to get him to play sometimes. Not as much as with Braden when he was that age (and even now). Braden still dictates when he's willing to socialize and when he would rather "talk to himself". We will be in the middle of a conversation and he will say "I'm gonna go talk to myself!" and he's off! Jackson is a little more willing to socialize and actually seems to enjoy playing with me sometimes. But when he's done he just walks off. I can't say that it doesn't "sting" when they do that. It's hard to be a mom and have that instinct to be close to your children and they "reject" you. Even though I know in my mind that they aren't doing it to hurt me and they don't understand, it's IMPOSSIBLE not to take it personally. It IS personal! That's always been a difficult thing for me. I feel like I will never have a real relationship with my children. To them I am a tool for getting food, fixing problems, and I'm the one that makes them do all the things they HATE doing. The fun, "loving" moments are few and far between, but I take them whenever I can get them!

We got the reports and the official paperwork on Jackson's diagnosis, so now I can begin the process of finding good therapists. This is a task I HATE doing. We got a referral from the people who did the evaluations, but we're not sure if that agency is covered by our insurance. If they aren't, I'm going to have to go on a hunt for a good speech therapist that has experience with Apraxia and I will have to find an occupational therapist that is certified in working with sensory processing disorder. It sounds MUCH easier than it actually is. trust me. The FIRST step is to go to our pediatrician and get prescriptions for therapy though. Everything seems to be a PROCESS when it comes to autism. It's a journey, one that NEVER ends. And we're just getting STARTED on this with Jackson. Even though I've been through this part before, it really hasn't made it any easier. It's hard to explain why.

The thing I'm REALLY dreading, is when Jackson starts preschool in a year. not only will I have to let him go for several hours of the day (he's my last baby and to me it's too soon), but it will be MORE IEP meetings and dealing with the school district and all those same frustrations I have had with Braden's education, only now I have that times two! Can you see how I might be getting overwhelmed at this point. I DON'T want to think about the future, and there's never any way to know what the future holds, but I can't NOT think about it either.

Our visit to Arizona was nice, and here are the things I learned from it:
1. I HATE Arizona summer more than EVER and I don't know if I could make myself move back there to live in that HEAT! And I will avoid visiting in summer at all costs next time.
2. My boys are NUTS about water and swimming, maybe a little TOO nuts about it.
3. I don't think I want to drive again. It puts tons of miles on my car, and the drive is insane.
4. I really miss being around my family and I'll just have to get the most out of every future visit.
5. It will be a while till I can visit again because plane tickets for 4 people cost a ton!
6. Even though it was nice to be there for 4 weeks, when I got home, I realized that I would rather do a shorter visit and have Jeremy there too. I really missed being away from him and away from home for that long. Even though I had 3 weeks to try and make all the visits I wanted to, it wasn't enough! I think when you've lived somewhere for so long and made so many friends and have so much family around, it's just impossible to see EVERYONE during your visit, though I tried my best to do it, there were several people missed and I felt really bad about that.  It almost felt weird coming back home. (especially walking into a spic and span clean house! It felt very foreign, for about 10 minutes, before the kids messed it up properly!